There is a way

Do you remember when you were a child and your mom or dad dragged you out of the house to run errands with them? Or maybe you’re like me and got tricked into following your mom around the woman’s department in JC Penney all morning long in hopes that she would eventually buy you something that you wanted. But in reality, she hadn’t planned on purchasing anything at all… just wanted to browse. And then you felt like you were stuck somewhere on Earth between Heaven and Hell where time stood still and of course at that period in your life you still didn’t have a dollar to your name to make the trip worth it?

But then things started to look up as you left the department store heading home, and, as you drove past a Burger King, realized that all wrongs in the world would be righted again and the universe would return to making sense if she would only buy you a kids’ meal with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toy inside? So you asked in the most innocent, unassuming voice you could.

And what was her response?

“I can make you something even better than Burger King at home.”

And that’s when the knot in your throat happened, and your eyes started to water and you just reclined your seat and tried to sleep the gnawing feeling of frustration out of the pit of your stomach. Pitiful.

Well. I remember instances like those quite well. And as it turns out, the burgers that your mother would make with her bare hands and the frozen fries that she would shake from the bag and spread on a non-stick pan never tasted anything like Burger King or McDonalds or Hardees or what have you. But to this day, I can say that my mother truly loved me enough to go through the trouble it took to make it. And its an even more filling and satisfying feeling than a belly full of Whopper Jr’s.

And also, as a near-adult who will soon enter into the world on his own, I understand more fully the importance of being resourceful and wise with money. I will also say that young people my age would be better off in the real world having had experiences that caused them to appreciate  the value of sacrifice and smart spending.

But believe it or not, what I’ve just said has less to do with this post than you’d think. Sorry, I guess I got caught up in the nostalgia of it all. What I actually want to bring to your attention is this:

Even though in my last post I showed you that there is no longer an excuse not to purchase a pregnancy test on grounds that they are too expensive, some people will still find some reason not to, whether for privacy reasons or maybe even out of fear of possibly getting a result that they did not wish for. So. If the ‘II’ or ‘I’ indicator is a little too cold a signifier that either your life is about to change for better or for worse, here are a few homemade methods passed down through centuries of educated science/science fiction/folklore that may feel a little more organic for possible parents-to-be.

1. Barley and Wheat Method

According to ehow.com,

“The earliest home pregnancy test on record comes from Egyptian papyrus from 1350 B.C. and involved urinating on wheat or barley seeds. Ancient Egyptian women who suspected pregnancy were advised to urinate on wheat or barley seeds and monitor the seed’s growth for a period of time. According to lore, if it was a female child, the wheat would grow, and a male child would cause the barley to grow. Scientific tests of this theory in 1963 revealed that it was proven successful 70 percent of the time, probably due to estrogen in pregnant women’s urine. Unfortunately for those hoping to find out if they are carrying a boy or girl, the wheat and barley grew equally well.”

But that doesn’t mean you can’t try! And besides, what do you have to lose? I mean besides your patience.

2. Dandelion Method

Another winner from ehow.com:

This modern homemade pregnancy test is strangely popular on internet forums and maternity chat rooms. It involves women peeing on dandelion leaves. After an hour a pregnant urine sample will allegedly result in red blisters forming on the leaves. Leaves that show no change indicate that the woman is not pregnant. For some reason, no certifiable evidence has been recorded to prove this method effective.

Once again, this technique requires minimal effort and seems pretty cool.

3. The Lucky Rabbit Method

Also from ehow.com:

During the 20th century, researchers injected female animals with urine from women thought to be pregnant. Rabbits were a common test subject because they reproduce quickly, were manageable, and more pleasant than rats. Scientists believed that a certain chemical in pregnant woman’s urine, known as human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG), would stimulate the ovaries of female rabbits and send them into heat. Modern testing devices detect the same substance, but do so in a matter of minutes. In order to achieve instant results from the rabbit test, the animal had to be killed and gutted so that the ovaries could be examined. Even so, evidence in these tests was inconclusive.

This method is violent, messy, unreliable, and will make you look crazy. But it is a step in the right direction.

4. Pine Sol Method

According to buzzle.com, Pine Sol, a unique cleaning agent derived from the twigs, cones, and needles, can also be used to determine pregnancy. Yup, you guessed it: just pee into a bucket of Pine Sol if you are curious and wait for the color to change. If it does, you may be pregnant.

Now that’s the smell of baby, baby!

5. Bleach Method

Buzzle.com also suggests that urinating into bleach is a possible way to indicate pregnancy. If, after a few minutes, the bleach remains unchanged, then the tester is not pregnant. However, if the bleach froths or bubbles, the woman may have conceived.

Whatever you do, don’t forget about this bucket of bleach after you’ve finished testing.