01
Mar
10

Heave-ho, Hummer

We’ve all been there… Cruising calmly through our neighborhood on the way home from Sunday morning service, perhaps, without a care in the world. The sway of leafy trees in the slanted sunlight casts rippling shadows on your windshield as you maneuver through the peaceful scenery. You smile and wave while passing your neighbor on the right who is strolling coolly with a dog on a leash. Just as you make the final turn onto your street of residence, a peculiar sight catches your attention further down the road.

Like some sort of swollen, metallic beast, an H3 Hummer is now lurching toward your vehicle, threatening to eat it alive. As the asphalt disappears beneath its bulking frame, you make eye contact with the driver, who seems to exist on a plane completely separate from the rest of civilization. It is as if sitting  in that place behind the wheel of such a gargantuan machine has granted him a crown and scepter, and the road is his God-given domain. As you approach, he modestly slows and cants his vehicle, allowing you passage. However, your effort to avoid a collision is one that simply implies that even in the most fixed of crash-tests, the futility of running your vehicle headfirst into his would only result in your complete obliteration against the tank-like frame of his Hummer. As a final reminder of the vehicle’s obscene rebellion against all that the philosophy of “going green” has taught us, in passing, your lungs fill with the a double-shot cocktail of greenhouse gases from the dual exhaust pipes rumbling away in the vehicle’s rear.

You’ve officially been Hummered.

Alternately, if you own a Hummer, and you just spent the past few minutes envisioning yourself as the other driver in this scenario, tuck your Arnold Schwarzenegger sized ego back into your pants and prepare for some sad news.

According to the Associate Press, General Motors will be discontinuing the line of military-inspired super-vehicles after failing to sell the brand to a Chinese bidder. GM has been attempting to market the line to potential buyers for a year now, but has had its attempts blocked by foreign legislation which does not look fondly on the vehicle’s specs.

The discontinuation of the Hummer seems like a good thing, in my opinion. Of course, I’m biased because I’ve never actually been inside of one to speak on its manliness, but in all reality, the Hummer truly is a testament of excess– especially in America. To market the concept of the military’s High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle (HMMWV or Humvee) for commercial use while attempting to add a sense of luxury just seems impractical to me. Oh, And dumb.

Either way, for those Hummer-lovers out there who take pride in not being able to fit inside of a parking space or clear the overhang in the garage, I am truly sorry for your loss. To those who feel like they never got a chance to experience the unique sucking sensation of the Hummer’s gas tank as it runs your wallet dry from the inside out, I suggest you find your nearest dealer and drop $60,000 on one before it’s too late.

Go ahead… stop being a girlie-man.

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